Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
