There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
