Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
