Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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