he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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