True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
