kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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