This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
