I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
This is my gift to your gina
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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