Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
There's even glitter on my cock...
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