Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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