WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
