ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
