I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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