So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
