I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How does it feel to date your dad?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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