No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
