Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
