i think i have two assholes
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
