Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
