Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
