god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
