sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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