In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
