I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
