Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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