I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
