Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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