I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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