only if we run a train.
done.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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