I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just pee around me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
