Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
