life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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