stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
