It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
