I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
