im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
