My sheets look like a crime scene.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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