Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
