Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
