every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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