I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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