Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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