were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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