Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
