Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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