Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
