I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
