Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
vagina is talking i cant
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
