ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
