i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
