It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
