At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
