What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
