dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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