Define "chronic" masturbator.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
