between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
